If you’ve read my newsletters or emails previously year, you realize I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I wanting to convey for your requirements that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my life is really a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this specific signature I plan to remind you and myself to find the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. But not everything that feels this way also feels effortless.
In reality, over the season since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to guide women entrepreneurs to cultivate their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the trail that’s right for me – doing the professional work I’m meant to be doing plus looking after my children, my home and myself – often times I’ve allowed the volume to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the proper things but way too many of them at once! Why? Because I’ve been afraid spotify a course in miracles. Afraid that if I decelerate, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will decelerate further. Or more. Or worse.
So around I’ve been practicing living in experience of Spirit, I’ve been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not prepared to see an improved way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about a month ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they do not make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to attend a bar mitzvah or perhaps a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to ask for help. (And gratefully received it!) Used to do my level best to prepare, to create sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. They certainly were not exercising with ease. I felt from the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, less than a couple of weeks ahead of the trial was scheduled to start, I heard it was likely to be postponed for at the very least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To go back telephone calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this is all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Ends up I also had strep throat. And then a sinus infection. All I possibly could do, for all, many days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took some slack from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it is safe to stop. Someone who will stop constantly moving, tend simply to her needs, and survive it. Simply for a while.
The kids understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to create me food and execute a few loads of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that originates from love is really a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop looking after the rest and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Lots of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. Several lovely days on Cape Cod in a pretty inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I discovered energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clear out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The times were a blur of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
From this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been considering me. After a lot more than a couple of weeks far from business I figured I need to schedule regular, true downtime for myself – possibly even take 2 weeks far from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.